This whole "Discernment" thing

Discernment is a word I use all the time. It's root is from the Latin discernere "to separate, set apart, divide, distribute; distinguish, perceive" (Online Etymology Dictionary). Simply defined, it means "the ability to judge well" (Oxford Languages). Generally, when we think or talk about discernment as a process, we are operating as if it is an entirely cerebral process, driven entirely by our thinking and reasoning capacities. That is certainly true, in part; it is also a much more whole-system, integrated process than the above implies. In my experience, the more we are able to integrate as much information as possible, the more honed and incisive our discernment will be.

An example:

I work with a number of athletes and a shared language that translates beautifully into this space is perceived exertion. At various points of physical training, whether for a specific goal, or just to continue to make progress, an athlete will assess their RPE, their rate of perceived exertion. "The exerciser is asked to rate how hard they feel they’re working considering their breathing rate, heart rate, increased sweating, and muscle fatigue" (NASM). Essentially, the athlete is using at least 3 of their 8 senses (I KNOW!! I'll explain the additions to the classic 5 in just a minute), to determine how hard they are working and how that will impact their training in the moment and over time.

What this might look like as a process is:

1. the athlete realizes they need to measure their RPE;

2. the athlete intentionally tunes into the information their system is processing subconsciously all the time

3. This is where those additional 3 senses come into play. As early as the 1970s and 80s, researchers were identifying somatosensation (sensations that are processed differently than our discrete sensory processing organs (tongue = taste, nose = smell, and so on). So, brevity... we currently recognize 3+ more:

   • proprioception (our ability to sense and organize our body parts in space),

     • interoception (information about what and how our internal organs and internal state is),

     • and neuroception (our assessment of how safe and secure our physical and social environment is).

4. the athlete integrates that sensory information into an assessment of their RPE

5. either in the next set or a subsequent workout, the athlete then tests that RPE for validity by trying to do that movement again

6. the athlete reassesses their RPE and adjusts accordingly.  Importantly, they adjust their RPE for that movement, as well as how they are assessing their RPE, so they become more precise the more times they do this

What I love about this is that it's a very tangible example of a discernment process. Each time that athlete attunes to all the information available to them to evaluate how hard they are working, they are discerning their capacity. Each time they do it and tweak their process, they are building both their athletic skills AND their discernment skills!

This same process plays out a gajillionty times a day as we make choices (conscious and unconscious) about how we want to be.

• I might use a discernment process to decide which grocery store to go to on any given day (more sensory friendly but less budget friendly or less sensory friendly, but more budget friendly).

• I might use a discernment process to decide how to set boundaries so that I can be my fullest self.

• I might use a discernment process to decide which job to take or where to send my kids to school.  

In therapy, we use discernment processes to decide what to share, when to share, and how deep to go at any given moment.

I want to take a moment with that "how deep to go" discernment, because that's often a space, especially in therapy, where we feel some compulsion to push hard. We get so many messages from the world that to "do therapy right," we need to grind at self-reflection every time we do the work. Certainly, there are times when it's important to drop in and work with some difficult, sticky shit. For SURE!

Just as important, though, are the times that we work collaboratively with our values, our hopes, and our nervous systems to discern what we have the capacity for, given the complexity of being a human in the world today.

I'll give an example from my own therapy:

1. I come into my session feeling a lot of things, not knowing what I want to spend time with and believing I need to quickly transition into the space. My beloved therapist, Pat (you'll probably hear me mention her more over time), reminds me that I can take as long as I need to settle in;

2. I take a few deep breaths and invite my parts that help me power through transitions to slow down so that I can attune to the maelstrom;

3. I observe how my body responds as I take those breaths and invite myself to slow down;

4. I observe which thoughts or work feels most present and available and which feel urgent or compelling to address;

5. How this shapes our session can go many ways:

6. sometimes I make a plan with Pat about how to spend the time (for example: I want to give updates for 10 min, then process this one thing for the rest of our time),

   • sometimes I flag that there are other things I'd love her support remembering in future sessions that aren't for today,

   • sometimes I jump right in,

   • and some days I tell Pat that I'm exhausted by being a therapist/a mother/a partner/a human/a nervous system/a creature... and really what I need from the space is to be held and seen in my depletion.

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You might notice that my discernment in therapy isn't that different from the athlete's RPE discernent: we both observe how our whole systems respond to stimuli (the exercise or the transition into therapy), what our hopes/goals are (training targets or things that we want to process), what that edge of stretch not stress is.

By carefully and respectfully listening to and holding all those variables, we can work together to shape a session that honors the complexity that we bring into this work. Just like in the example of the athletes, each time we repeat that practice, we become more, adept at navigating it and build a sense of self-efficacy or capacity to read the internal and relational room. The more we are able to honor those various (sometimes competing or contradictory) factors, the more we are able to build trust and safety within ourselves and within the healing space and process.

Why does all this matter?  Because each time we demonstrate to ourselves that we are trustworthy, we become a bit more capable of trying hard things. Each time we find a little more internal safety, we become a bit more resourced. Each time we listen to ourselves negotiate where our stretch, not stress space is, we become a bit better at that practice.  All these support our ability to live into the fullest selves that we are growing towards.

In my next post, I'm going to write about how this whole discernment thing is sticky and complicated and offer some tangible practices to scaffold and support the development of these discernment skills, so get excited for more special-interest Ramsey, but in a much more practical, action-oriented way :).